I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
