I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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