Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
