This dress was meant to end up on your floor
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
