I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
