So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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