Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
