Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
