Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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