I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
