NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
