My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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