was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize