No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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