i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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