I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
