i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
