nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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