We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
