Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
