there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So squirting runs in the family.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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