I smell stomach acid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
