I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
