I just threw up on my dentist
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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