my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
