I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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