I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
