I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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