I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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