I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
