hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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