so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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