If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
