Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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