the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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