Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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