I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
