Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
