question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
the raccoons are back...
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