**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
