I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize