you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
