i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i came on her dog
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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