I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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