just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
