I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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