Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
