I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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