are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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