Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
