I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
