why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
