he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I believe in your delicious
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
