Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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